Vampire Hipster, or Why I Hate Twilight

Vampire legends and lore have been around for thousands of years, but the vampire really took hold in American popular culture with the stage, radio and film adaptations of Bram Stoker's novel of 1897. Movies were made starting in the 1920s and Bela Lugosi (left) owned the role of Dracula for generations of moviegoers. Not exactly tops on the sexy list, is he?

There is always a sexual component to being bit on the neck -- it's where the lifeblood is, and it's one hell of an erogenous zone, and even being bitten by the less-than-sexy Lugosi was an ecstatic experience. "I vant to suck your blood," was Bela's best pickup line.

I've never seen the 1950s versions where LOTR star Christopher Lee played the count, but the sex appeal quotient was even lower than Lugosi's. He wasn't a vampire out to seduce women as much as he was to feast on them.

In 1992, Francis Ford Coppola made the version of Dracula that is probably most faithful to Stoker's book. Gary Oldman played Dracula and Winona Ryder was Mina Harker. Anthony Hopkins was Ven Helsing and, whoah dude, Keanu Reeves was Jonathan Harker. I was in college and saw the film at least twice in theatres.

Claudia and Louis and Lestat

But me real love of Vampires was born in my childhood home in Littleton, Colorado. My parents had an extensive book collection, including a small white paperback with a cover that still haunts me -- a 1st edition of Anne Rice's "Interview with a Vampire." It was pulblished in 1976, when I was 4, and the cover featured a little girl in a frilly pink and white dress, flanked by two Louis and Lestat, resplendent in pure white. I'd stared at the cover for years before I dared to dive between the covers and explore the world of Anne Rice's vampires. I was probably 11 when I first read Interview, and as soon as I finished I turned right back to the first page and read it again. I became obsessive about the sequels.

The Vampire Lestat was released in 1985 - I was 12. Queen of the Damned came out in 1988. The highly sensual books were damn near pornographic to a pimply-faced book nerd like me. I read the first three over and over again, spending time in between with Stoker, Stephen King and compendia of short story collections.

I got into trouble in high school for reading Anne Rice in AP English in lieu of my assignment. I was n college by the time The Tale of the Body Thief came in 1992.

The movie adaptation of Interview was released in 1994, and by that time I was lukewarm about seeing it. Had the casting director who made Tom Cruise into Lestat even read the books?

The Vampire Armand was released in 1998. Quite honestly, I can't remember if I read Armand. I certainly don't own a copy. Interest had waned.

The Dead Years

There may have been some vampire culture between the late 90s and the Twilight craze, but I was far removed from it. If Goth kids were into vampire lore, which you might guess from their dress, I wasn't connected to it. I was married in 1998 and had my first child in 2001 and another in 2003.

Doomsday: Twilight

I admit that I read the Twilight series in full. All four books had been released and someone sent me PDF copies of them. I read them once and quickly, skimming parts that dragged -- so don't blame me if I get some things wrong. But what I noticed most was this -- Twilight was not the vampires' story. Twilight was the story of a thoroughly sullen teenage girl who turns down all reasonable offers of friendship and romance to choose the guy who rejects her thoroughly before stalking her. Make no mistake, dear reader, a manpire who breaks into your bedroom at night to watch you sleep is a creeper and not boyfriend material.

As a young adolescent I would have loved these books. I would have wanted an Edward of my own. Lestat was dangerous. Gorgeous with a Rock Star swaggar, but completely unwilling to bury his vampire nature in pursuit of a human partner. He never denied his nature as a predator and saw his proper place in Rice's world: top of the food chain. People belonged to the big, wide category of "food". You couldn't be Lestat's girlfriend -- you could only be his pet.

Meyer's Edward, on the other hand, is practically neutered. He and his entire clan refuse to feed on human blood, setting themselves on the moral high ground of the vampire world. Vampires are supposed to be amoral at best and immoral at worst, but Edward is the hero -- the best of the good guys. Hell, he shines like glitter in sunlight, which, inexplicably, he tried to use to scare Bella at one point during the first book. You have no idea what I really am, Bella! And then he sparkles. Scary.

My real problem with Edward and the other Twilight vampires is the lack of a truly dark nature and the ease with which it can be defeated. The most powerful stories are about people who have something wild and deep and dark inside them that they must struggle against. By the time he meets Bella, Edward has apparently conquered his inner nature. Bella is in danger in the novel, but she is never in danger from Edward.

Did anyone buy it when Edward said he couldn't control himself around Bella? That he might hurt her? By staring too hard? Gazing too long? He seems to have no deeper nature, no real struggle with his dark side. If he had lost control just once in the entire series and killed a person, then had to struggle with the consequences, I might have been sold. Instead, when Edward reaches even close to the edge of his personal control, he runs away. Brave, brave vampire Edward.

Vampires You Can Really Sink Your Teeth Into

Twilight aside, where it belongs, I am still a fan of vampires.

Like all annoying trends, there are bright spots that emerge from the drek.

For every Edward there is a Mitchell -- the lead vampire in the BBC's "Being Human." (Go for the BBC version on this one; there is a SyFy version, but it doesn't live up to is inspiration, and Aidan Turner personifies the role of a vampire on the edge.)

For every Bella there is a Sookie Stackhouse, heroine of HBO's "True Blood," a complicated and entertaining show that doesn't shy away from the dark side of not only vampires but humanity as well.

For every Stephanie Meyer there is an Alan Ball, the writer behind "Six Feet Under"a nd True Blood," who says this about Twilight.

“To me, vampires are sex. I don’t get a vampire story about abstinence. I’m 53. I don’t care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed.”

And for every hack blogger trying to sum up her dislike to Twilight in 1,500 words or less, there is Stephen King, who uses only 30.

"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend."