Teach Your Own Children?

If you truly wish your children to study Torah, study it yourself in their presence. They will follow your example. Otherwise, they will not themselves study Torah, but will simply instruct their children to do so. -- Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk

To tutor or not to tutor? That is the question.

In our synagogue, the normal process for preparing a child for bar mitzvah is a team event. The kids attend Religious School on Wednesday and Sundays, as they have for years, but they also have private lessons with both the rabbi and a bar/bat mitzvah tutor. The rabbi studies the meaning of the Torah portion (and perhaps the meaning of life) with the student; the tutor goes over the mechanics of the service and chanting Torah. In the past, I've played both parts for other children's ceremonies.

When we didn't have rabbis on staff, I took on the role for several students. I loved those sessions of sharing and teaching and learning. The moment when something from Torah clicks and becomes relevant for a young student is precious and sweet. I've also served as the tutor, leading boys with cracking voices through the ups and downs of Torah cantillation, and though the material is prescribed, there are the same moments of discovery. Remembering how to start Hatzi Kaddish without prompting, or the first time successfully chanting without vowels and trope marks.

Now I'm the parent of that kid with the cracking voice, and I'm wondering where I fit in.

On the one hand, it's my job as a Jewish parent to educate my kids, and unlike a lot of other parents in this position, I have the knowledge to do so. That's a privilege.

On the other hand, it's good for kids to study with a variety of adults in the community. It connects them, builds relationships beyond the family, and exposes them to different perspectives on Torah and the service.

But on the other hand, would it be good for my relationship with my kids to study and prepare with them?

On the other hand, teaching your own kids often involves those interpersonal conflicts that don't exist with another teacher. It might be an easier road with someone else.

But on the other hand, isn't it worth overcoming and working out those conflicts for the sake of the bigger purpose? I used to be a much stronger hand in my own children's Jewish education, and those conversations about Torah, God and Judaism were holy. Why hand that off for one of the biggest conversations of them all?

On the other hand, it's not about me, and being his tutor feels like it's about me, not him.

On the other hand, this time to study together might be a once-in-a-lifetime gift.

On the other hand, lots of other parents in our community, including those who work as tutors for the community, do not tutor their own kids. What do they know that I don't?

On the other hand....

I'm getting nowhere with this back and forth. What do you think?