Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Stressed-Out Kids


My son doesn't like school. Very few kids really do like school, but it seems to bring a particular amount of stress and anxiety to my boy. I often imagine the school day as a medieval labyrinth or haunted house, with stressors lurking around every corner, ready to pounce from alcoves.

  • Here a writing assignment.
  • There a real need for focus and concentration.
  • Here a tricky social situation.
  • Here a demand, there a demand, every where a demand a demand.

When he is off from school, he is a much happier child. And I don't mean that in a flippant way, in that he is more cheerful. He is happier.

So today I made a choice that some parents might disagree with: I let my son take a day off from school. He is not ill. No contagious germs here. But the prospect of going to school today was just too stressful. And so he stayed home and spent the day with his grandparents.

The back and forth involved in making this decision has had me thinking all day.

  • What eternal lesson will he take from being let out of his only real responsibility, to go to school?
  • What precedent have we just set?
  • Should there be negative consequences for him?
  • Is this the ultimate in "giving in"?

In truth, I spent a good deal of the morning beating myself up about it.

And then, I had an epiphany.

  • The eternal lesson is that sometimes you really need to take time out to care for yourself.
  • The precedent is that we care about your needs, and missing one day of school isn't the end of the world.
  • The negative consequences for him are...none. Not all consequences are negative. The positive consequence is that he has a chance to prepare himself for tomorrow, which is, after all, another day.
  • I this "giving in"? Perhaps. Giving in to that loving and adoring side of myself toward my son, which doesn't win too many battles.

A friend recently posted the top 5 regrets of the dying. Here they are:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I hope to put my son on a path where none of these 5 regrets are his. He had the courage to express his feelings, and I had the power to make it so he didn't have to work so hard, for now. And, for today, he is happier... 3 out of 5 ain't bad.







Beautiful Fotos 6: Wales

Monday, January 23, 2012

My Hometown

Where are you from?

People answer this question differently. Some answer with wherever they live currently. Some answer with where they've lived the most, or where they spent their childhood. Some answer with where they were born, no matter how long ago they left, or how little time they spent there.

I am in the final group. When people ask where I am from, I say Boston, or Boston-area. This isn't a fabrication.

I was born in Cambridge, Massachusetts. We lived in Holbrook, MA first the first 5 years of my life, and then we moved to Colorado. I left for five years of college (North Dakota) and returned to Colorado for graduate school in 1994. I've been here in Fort Collins, CO ever since.

Summary:
Massachusetts: 5 years
Colorado: 30 years
North Dakota: 5 years

Others who have the same division of years would say, "I am from Colorado."

Facebook delineates between "hometown" and "currently lives in," and so do I.

I feel like I've a split personality:
  • I am a Boston sports fan -- Bruins, Celtics, Patriots -- and my beloved Red Sox
  • I was a Colorado fan for a time, but, curiously, most of that time was when I lived in North Dakota. (Once John Elway retired, I lost interest in the Broncos anyway.)
  • I am a Colorado girl -- polite, nice to strangers, courteous (even when driving)
  • I am a Boston family member -- my primary of interacting with family and close friends is often teasing and caustic. We show love through insults.
  • I am a Colorado outdoorsy type -- I love our mountains and feel claustrophobic in Massachusetts. I miss seeing long distances and get sick of only seeing the tops of trees.
  • I am a Boston Jew -- I never, ever make a trip to Boston without visiting the Jewish neighborhood of Brookline. The food, the shops and the feeling of belonging is soothing.
  • I am a Colorado Jew -- I like our small community and the "frontier Judaism" we practice here. I like that our bar and bat mitzvah celebrations cost considerably less than our east cost friends'.
  • I am a Boston culture fan. I cold move into the Boston Public Library, the Gardner Museum, the MFA, the MTA and a myriad other historical and architectural wonders.
  • I feel Colorado -- casual, relaxed, rugged, adaptable.
  • I feel Boston -- multi-cultural, urban, ocean-loving.
  • I live in Colorado, and it is home.
  • I visit Boston, and I feel at home there.
In the end, it's all about feeling a connection to people and a place. My family is deeply rooted in Boston. My mother hasn't lived in Boston in 35 years, but her accent remains strong. When we travel there we visit the same places again and again as if they were shrines. My cousins, family and life-long friends are Boston-bred as well. We celebrate the Patriots together and loft bombs at the Red Sox.

So I wear my Boston-ness with pride, in the form of Red Sox, Bruins, Celtics and Patriots gear. I visit as often as I can, and I drop my "r"s occasionally just for fun. I crave Dunkin Donuts and Wise potato chips, and I carry hermits back with me in my suitcase. Every game watch is a shared experience with family and friends. Every bite evokes a memory, and every accented word reminds me or the myriad other accents I'll never hear again. It was their home, and it is mine.




Friday, January 20, 2012

The Good Old Days of Spankings and Beatings

Last night Evan and I were dealing with our 10-year-old son, who lately reminds me of this:



And we were pining for the "good ol' days," the days when it was OK to hit your kids. We're never too serious about this. We don't hit our kids, but there have been so many times when we've exhausted all our other parenting skills that the idea of a good spanking just dangling there out of reach...oh, that could solve everything!

We live in a parenting bubble where our friends are all of like-mind on this issue. We're all non-spankers, unless someone is keeping secrets. I wonder how often they are tempted by the old time religion:



I've read all of the arguments, anti-spanking and pro-spanking:

ANTI
Physical punishment establishes the moral righteousness of hitting other persons who do something which is regarded as wrong.

PRO
Physical abuse by an angry, uncontrolled parent will leave lasting emotional wounds and cultivate bitterness and resentment within a child. The balanced, prudent use of disciplinary spanking, however, is an effective deterrent to aggressive behavior with some children.

ANTI
Since parents often refrain from hitting until the anger or frustration reaches a certain point, the child learns that anger and frustration justify the use of physical force.

PRO
When effective spanking is removed from a parent's disciplinary repertoire, he or she is left with nagging, begging, belittling, and yelling, once the primary disciplinary measures--such as time-out and logical consequences--have failed. By contrast, if proper spanking is proactively used in conjunction with other disciplinary measures, better control of the particularly defiant child can be achieved, and moments of exasperation are less likely to occur.

ANTI
Physical punishment is harmful to a child.

PRO
Obviously, excessive or indiscriminate physical punishment is harmful and abusive. However, an appropriately-administered spanking of a forewarned disobedient child is not harmful when administered in a loving controlled manner.

PRO

Heck, even Bill Cosby talked about parenting exasperation that leads to beatings: watch it here: "The Same Thing Happens Every Night"

ANTI
But this is perhaps the best ANTI-spanking argument I've heard, and it's from Louis C.K., my new favorite comedian. He's my age, he has kids that frustrate the hell out of him, and he gets it. Here's his take on hitting your children:

“I really think it’s crazy that we hit our kids. Here’s the crazy part about it; kids are the only people in the world that you’re allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They’re the most vulnerable and the most destroyed by being hit but it’s totally OK to hit them. And they’re the only ones! if you hit a dog they will put you in jail for that shit. You can’t hit a person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you. But a little tiny person with a head this big who trusts you implicitly:

‘FUCK ‘EM, WHO GIVES A SHIT! LET’S ALL HIT THEM!’

People want you to hit your kid. If your kid is making noise:

‘HIT HIM!!!! HIT ‘EM!!!! GRRRRRR’

That’s what people say -

“You damn right I hit my kids!”.

Why do you hit them?

“-cause they were doing a thing I didn’t like at the moment and so I hit them and guess what? They didn’t do it after that”.

Well that wouldn’t be taking the fucking easy way out would it? How about talking to them for a second? What are you an idiot? What are you a fucking ape?

“Well I know it’s a pain in the ass-“

Well you fucked a woman and a baby came out of her vagina, so you be patient!"

How would you feel if suddenly there were giants walking around about 3 times your size who could smack you around anytime they didn’t like the words that came out of your mouth or the things you did?

So no, we will not begin spanking or hitting our kids. The old adage that parents tell their kids, "This hurts me more than it hurts you," just isn't true. And though sometimes they seem to be in the business of hurting us -- I hate you! Leave me alone! Get out of my room! -- we are not in the business of intentionally hurting them.

But you'll have to forgive me if the fantasy of the magic moment when a spanking cures everything continues to live in my head.





Monday, January 16, 2012

We are all atheists...

"We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further."
-- Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion

There are a startling number of gods and goddesses who have inhabited the human imagination at one point or another. Here's a partial list, alphabetically organized. As 21st century Judeo-Christian Americans, we easily dismiss these deities as "mythological" and "false". Most of them are no longer worshipped by anyone, and their statues and shrines have been degraded and lost by time. Some of the gods, like those in Hinduism, still have faithful followers. About 1/7th of the world are Hindu -- a billion people.

Can a billion people be wrong?

Sure, but which billion?

Religious populations of the world were estimated at (2007 figures):

  1. Christianity: 2.1 billion
  2. Islam: 1.5 billion
  3. Secular/Nonreligious/Agnostic/Atheist: 1.1 billion
  4. Hinduism: 900 million
  5. Chinese traditional religion: 394 million
  6. Buddhism: 376 million
  7. primal-indigenous: 300 million
  8. African Traditional & Diasporic: 100 million
  9. Sikhism: 23 million
  10. Juche: 19 million
  11. Spiritism: 15 million
  12. Judaism: 14 million
  13. Baha'i: 7 million
  14. Jainism: 4.2 million
  15. Shinto: 4 million
  16. Cao Dai: 4 million
  17. Zoroastrianism: 2.6 million
  18. Tenrikyo: 2 million
  19. Neo-Paganism: 1 million
  20. Unitarian-Universalism: 800 thousand
  21. Rastafarianism: 600 thousand
  22. Scientology: 500 thousand
Some of the above religious are non-exclusive and allow room for "other truths," but many aren't. They believe everyone else on the list is wrong, and some believe that if you're wrong, you're pretty much, well...toast.

Who has it right?

As Dawkins says above, we are all atheists of a sort. As a Jew, I have always been atheist to the Greek, Roman, Mayan, Aztec and Hindu gods. After all, as the great declaration of Judaism states, God is One. Not many -- one.

Christians are also atheists when it comes these gods, just as the believers of those religions are non-believers in our Torah/Bible based God.

Which kind of atheist are you?



Remind Yourself

I "retired" from my last job, religious school director at my local synagogue, in May of 2011. At a special Shabbat service for graduates -- and I felt like one that night, I gave this drash. I unearthed it while looking for another file, and it's pretty darn good. Not only that, it has some messages, messages I originally intended for my audience, that I need to revisit myself.

I used to have a sign hanging on my wall. On it was a quote from Rabbi Mecham Mendel, about whom I know next to nothing. And I mean that – nothing is here, and here’s what I know. But I know he spoke truth. The quote was, simply,

“If you truly wish your children to study torah, study it yourself in their presence.”

That sign got lost in the move, and I never did bother to make another one, and now the time for that has past, but that saying was always in the back of my mind – it was my guiding principle as principal.

Rabbi Mechem Mendel was a sneaky one, of course. Any parents who takes upon his or herself the study of Torah because they want their children to also study gets a double benefit – the also get to study Torah, and they raise someone to study it with.

In this way, I have learned so much more than I could have ever imagined teaching in the walls of these buildings, this school, this shul. Every time some pesky high school kid asked me a question that required grabbing the Chumash for an answer, I was blessed. Every time a young child imitates a madrichim’s movements during shira, or follows them in a dance, learning is happening…twice.

Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Rabbi Mecham Mendel tells us to be the Jew you want to see in the world. As Jewish parents and educators, this is important..much more so than the stories we tell, or even the Torah we read. You never know what a child will take from those.

One year, a fourth grader, Isaac, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well mom," said Isaac, "Our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his combat engineers build a pontoon bridge and everyone walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent Seal Team Six to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Really Isaac," said his mother, "is that really what your teacher taught you?"
"Not really mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe me."


The Judaism you tell your child may be dismissed; the Judaism you live will get into them, down in the kishkes, and that stuff never leaves.

Speaking of leaving, then. This week's Torah portion, Behar, is not one that will inspire much disbelief. There are no talking snakes or donkeys; no magical splitting of the see, just what seems like mundane advice for a future agrarian society, what I like to call the TRFF (turf) -- Torah Rules for Fair Farming.

God tells Moses, while they're having a chat on Mount Sinai, hence the name of the portion, b'har, at the mountain, that every seven years the land gets a year off. No tilling, no planting, no sewing, no hoeing. It is, literally, "released" from its burden. We are guarantors of a sacred trust -- this land, this earth -- and we must find a way to balance productivity, reset, and release. After seven series of seven years, in the 50th year, the Jubilee year, not only does the land lie fallow, but ownership returns to the orginal owner, indentured servants and slaves are freed, and everyone returns to their homes, their families.

And we rest.

And the land rests.

And we enjoy the work of our labors that we have stored up for six years...and we breathe -- kol ha neshama tehalel yah...halleluyah....

Punctuating the productivity of life with long pauses lends perspective and encourages us to express gratitude for our bounty, and what can be produced without our work, but with our gratitude...

kol ha neshama tehalel ya halleluyah

And so this time in my life is a punctuation mark as well. At this point, I'm not sure if it's a comma, a period, a question mark, an exclamation point or one of those little smiley face emoticons.

I imagine many of the other graduates feel the same way. It is the end, and the beginning. The path to many hello's and perhaps a few too many good-bye's. Accomplishments writ on paper and your hearts, and blank pages to come before you. Change happens.

But I'm not too worried about feeling like I have a good grasp of the ways and workings of life just yet, although some of you here perhaps should be.

Between Pesach and Rosh Hashana, in the afternoons, we are to study Pirke Avot, the Ethics of the Fathers. If any of you have seen Yentl, this is the book she and her father are studying. Who is rich? He who is happy with lot, etc.

Near the end of the book (I skipped ahead) the rabbi's get presumptuous and lay out the milestone of a life, by age.

At 5, a child is ready for scripture.
at 10, mishnah
at 13, an observer of the commandments
at 15, gemara
at 18, chupa
at 20, pursue a livelihood
at 30, full strength
at 40, understanding
at 50, offers counsel
at 60, attains seniority
at 70, tips old age
at 80, strength
at 90, stooped over
at 100, as if dead...

So I am a full 7 months away from full understanding. But to quote the great tzadik of our time, Oprah Winfrey, there is one thing I know for sure.

Delve into torah
and delve into it again
for everything is in it
look deeply into it
grow old with it
and share all of this, as I have shared it, with your children.